Journey to Living

For the past two and a half years of my life I have been battling Cancer. Only but a mere week ago, that two and half year battle came to its long awaited end and I can finally utter the words ‘”I am Cancer free” with a delightful and grateful heart.  This is my story of survival.

The moment the doctors said "cancer," I was stunned.  My heart felt as though it had dropped out of my chest and my world had simply been turned upside down.  It felt like madness and confusion had opened the door to my home and flung me into chaos. I felt paralyzed while my mind raced through a thousand scenarios and questions -  "Was I going to die? If it’s in my bladder, where else could it be?”  This wasn’t happening.  Not to me!  I’m young and healthy.  I have kids, a home, a life to live.  The first week after my diagnosis was without question the most difficult.  I had no sense of what I was doing for literally a week of my life.  My world was reduced to feelings of sorrow and pain.  I had never endured such a depression.  I must have paced the floor at least a thousand times trying to understand why this would have happened to me.  Over twenty tumors in my bladder was inconceivable and it took awhile for my mind to wrap around this massive upheaval.  I thought if I wasn’t going to die from this, I was surely going to lose my bladder, and that without a doubt, seemed entirely implausible.  I could hardly conceive being a 31 year old woman with a bag outside of my body.  I lost my sense of identity; feeling defeated before I even began.  I was now a sick person.  I refused to talk to a soul except my husband and children.  I didn’t have the words.  It was, without question, surreal.

After two weeks of isolating myself from the world, partially believing I was going to die, I received the news that the cancer was low grade. That meant it was curable!  I felt a slight shift in my thinking pattern almost immediately.  There was a glimmer of hope.  I quickly began to imagine that there would be just one surgery; one six week round of chemotherapy and it would be gone from life as swiftly as it appeared.   Although, after about the third or fourth surgery, I knew the road to recovery was not going to be as simple as I initially imagined. My future was uncertain.

Over the next few weeks, the sense of chaos, agony, and feelings of sorrow would eventually leave, and to my amazement what would be left behind would be significantly life altering.  All previous feelings I had about how wonderful life was, was now enhanced immensely.  I was receiving gifts uncommon to those who have never struggled with life and death.  This would be the beginning of a re-birth. I would begin this new journey with fresh eyes, an open heart and a sense of freedom.  I was no longer going to let life happen to me, I was going live my life.

I got up and got dressed, dusted myself off and was determined to take ownership of my body. The time had come to put on the boxing gloves and step in the ring with cancer.  I had kids to raise and life to live.  Cancer was taking punches and I was tired of sitting back and letting it win.  I was living in Arizona and desperately yearning for the one place on the planet up to this point that felt safe and reliable, where the ocean and the redwoods collided in harmony.  I wanted to be where the food was local, organic and fresh.  It was time to dwell in an environment that embodied health.  I had to think twice now about what I was consuming and what my family was consuming .  Having clean air to breathe was essential.  I had a new reality and it would only serve me to accept it so that I could change it and make it well again.

Along with all the healthy changes I was making in my life, I did everything the doctors asked.  The Dr.’s sole solution was surgery and chemo.   Seven surgeries in, the doctors punctured a hole in my bladder. The pain I endured after that surgery was excruciating.  No one could live a fulfilling life like this… No one!  It was quite simply unreasonable to be having surgery every three months for the next 40 years. I had to live entirely conscious.  It was my body and I was determined to get healthy and live my life, not just continue to exist.

I squandered less time on trivial matters and opened my eyes to the magnificent world in which I was living.  The picture was making perfect sense -it wasn’t just the food I ate that mattered, it was that I was grateful of the fact that I had food to eat.  It wasn’t just that I needed to exercise; I cherished that I still had a body that was sturdy and functional. It wasn’t just accepting I had cancer, it was embracing it and making it the best thing that ever happend to me; simultaneously healing mind, body and spirit. This was how I would survive even if my body did eventually fail.

I was moderately healthy, but I needed to up the ante.  It was essential that I was making a conscious choice to live in health.  Of course those choices included vegetables without pestisides, meat without antibiotics, soaps without chemicals, and plenty of clean healthy water.   It took time to re-adjust and I would slip occasionally, but I knew that if I didn’t stay on track I would be back on that surgical table every three months and needless to say, that was unacceptable.

I changed doctors more than a few times dissatisfied with bleak answers.  Eventually, I was referred to one of the best Urologists on the west coast and yet the tumors kept making their uninvited return. There weren’t as many, but of course, I would never be completely satisfied until I was cancer free. I needed to not only step out of the box now, I had to leave the box behind. After extensive thought and consideration, I decided it was time to experiment with eastern medicine as well.   Stepping out of my comfort zone was less painful these days… It was, in fact, pleasingly uncomplicated . I was referred to an acupuncturist /herbalist and in only a few weeks of seeing this extraordinary healer, the changing mosaic that was my life shifted yet again. I found healing and continued hope.  I was increasing balance with each and every treatment.  Western and eastern medicines merged together and the results were outstanding.  My progress toward ridding cancer went from slow to expeditious.   My 8^th and final surgery and six week round of chemo was unquestionably agonizing, however the acupuncture was undoubtedly curative. I was diligent and unafraid to take control, and willing to face my fears head on!

It’s now two and half years after this extraordinary journey began and I am now able to say I'm cancer free. I chose health and never gave up on myself.  I am successful in most of my endeavors thus far, and I am more and more who I was meant to be with every new shinning day. Survival isn’t just about getting your body from sick to healthy, it’s about learning how to live wholly regardless of the condition of your body is in.  All living bodies fail, but a living body is but a vacant shell without a fruitful soul. It’s choosing to be grateful for what you do have, and letting go of all the rest. Treat your body with respect, like a temple in which to worship.  I am now living consciously.

So here I am today living in Santa Cruz, the only place I have ever truly felt home, and becoming the Owner/Therapist of Meaningful Massage Therapy; giving healing back to a place that most certainly has given healing to me.  I make sure to surround myself with great friends and visit family whenever possible. I shop at farmers' markets and local grocers frequently, and I continue to get regular acupuncture treatments along with my regular western medicine check-ups.  I have made it a point where I am comfortable trying new things, especially those in which I previously thought I would never love to do, like running.  Now I run as often as possible and that is just the beginning. Changing one's health may seem daunting at first, but when the results become evident, nothing seems impossible.  We only stand in our own way.  Step aside and let your passions guide you.  Every new moment is another step forward on your journey to living!